GIRL AT PLAY PRODUCTIONS - by Alex Beauchamp

I've known Summer Pierre for a few years. She was kind enough to be profiled on Another Girl at Play and dish with me on several occasions in both Palo Alto CA & New York. With each visit she's inspired me and her blog is a never ending visual treat. She's an amazing, highly creative artist... with a day job.

I once wrote about the highly acclaimed artist Dai Giang who had art showings around the world and sold paintings for thousands of dollars. Yet during the day he worked in the manufacturing plant at Mountain Safety Research - an outdoor gear company. Anything but creative!

Summer shares a lot of thoughts about having a day job (the reasons, the good, the bad, the ugly) that I think everyone can relate to. She's even made a zine out of it (The Artist in the Office ). Why I love these discussions is because I think sometimes some artists feel a sense of "shame" if they have a "day job" or any job that isn't 100% based on their creativity. But they shouldn't as long as they're creating and living the way they want - who cares how it gets done. There is no generic "Right Way." One way doesn't make you a real artist. There's just life and living it the best way for you.

Personally, I'm the most creative when I have a million things going on. If I had nothing to do all day but write and paint I'd do anything but. I believe firmly in the Thoreau quote, "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." So because of this, I am on the go a lot, I do a lot of things - some creative, some not. But everything is piece that makes up the larger picture of who I am. Everything I do are things I want to do whether it's for business or pleasure. This way, despite being tired I'm never drained - and always creating.

The world judges only the outcome but we forget this because we tend to judge the process. We judge the title, the outfit, the company, the paycheque, the right answer, the wrong answer. But really, all that matters is that you do something that satisfies you - whatever and however.

Metrics are rarely useful for the community members themselves. Most of what matters is experience. People may revel in the fact that there are over 25 million people signed up at the same service that they are using, but what matters is that their closest friends are using it and that they are getting value out of it. The 25 million people just have the experience in common.

Who are metrics for then? Business people. Venture capitalists. Journalists. Outsiders. People who want a number to tell the whole story (mostly because they are not part of the community itself and it’s really hard to explain the impact of a great community to an outsider). In the end, it comes down to Social Capital and as I’ve discussed, Social Capital is incredibly elusive. It is measurable, but only relative to the source (how do you measure happiness? everyone has a different experience of it), which probably makes it the loveliest, most perfectly decentralized system in the universe, which is where we are headed, but so many people can’t grasp that yet.

But hell, we need to communicate outside of the experienced boundaries of our communities, so we have metrics. We use metrics to entice more people to come and experience our communities beyond the numbers. We use metrics to try and communicate the pride we have in the amazing things happening in our communities. We sometimes have to compare to give others a reference point. But in the end, we know in our hearts of hearts the real measure is in the experience of it. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding (why do they say that, though?).
By Tara Hunt

Fantastic article on community metrics. Need to blog more about this and will. It's been a crazy, busy year thus far and for the first time tonight I've got a moment to think about what it all means and what's next.

My take on this is because if you have nothing you don't have fear of losing anything. All you know is you want something so bad you'll do whatever you can to get it. The more desire you have, the less questions you ask and the more actions you take - this is true of anything.

Comfort is something so many of us strive for yet can become a sort of prison if we're not careful. It can breed fear and laziness by tricking us into thinking we can't risk. When it's at that very moment we should.

I recently wrote a post on how those who are unhappy with their current jobs often want to freelance when perhaps that's not the best fit. The InterChange Desk web site offers lots of ideas and information on how to change careers which might be useful to those who want to work in another field but can't just jump ship right away.

On April 08th, 2001 I made a decision to leave my corporate job to write. Maybe do art as well if I ever got that brave (I had, after all, failed art class 3 times). In the beginning, I had no idea what to write, how to write, where to write so I began online, hand-coding each entry. I had no idea where it'd lead me - I just wanted it to lead me away from an unhappy life.

Six years later, I have a very happy life and career. I have been able to write for a living, I've sold artwork online and in galleries (and even for book covers - take that art teachers) I've also been able to create amazing communities, work in film, work in new media and development. I've been able to travel the world, meet amazing people and make even more amazing friends. And I've made more money as a freelancer than I ever did working for someone else.

Because of that, I have a tendency to want to celebrate the day I decided to leave my corporate job to pursue this wonderful, crazy, challenging, beautiful freelance life. And on many occasions before I've done just that. But the truth is, in order for me to have this creative career, I must celebrate every job I had before because without them, I'm not sure I could really be where I am now.

In preparation for the upcoming Boss Lady panel I'm participating in at SXSW, I had a long, wonderful talk with Emira today about business. Talking with her was really good; it'd been awhile since I talked business in casual, candid terms with a friend.

We talked about how we worked, some of the challenges we face, what we do about it, what's going on etc. Hearing her perspective on a lot of things was really helpful but the one thing that stuck out the most from the conversation is when she talked about "authentic marketing."

Both of us run our businesses very similar; we both only work on referral only. We've never advertised and we don't market. Everything comes to us by word of mouth and we both currently have more work than we can handle. The only time we have to really "market" is perhaps when someone calls us to work with us. Then we explain what we do but because we love what we do and are passionate about it, we don't have to "sell" ourselves - it's authentic marketing.

For me, this model is essential for my survival because I don't want to be out there hustling. I'm not good at it nor do I don't enjoy it. There are those that do but I'm not one of them. I love talking about the work or the process but I don't talking about the who or the what of it all - especially with people outside of the business arena where it doesn't matter. I don't want attention for who I know or what company I work with but I do want to be known for the work I do - and I feel they are separate.

Since September, I've been shuttling between Austin, TX and Santa Monica CA. Last month, I added San Francisco to that list. This month I'm adding New York and Denmark, too.

In L.A. & NY I have business meetings which are exciting and interesting. I get to also meet up with friends and family. So I should be excited, right? It's all so jet setter and glamorous. Right?

But the preparation that goes into all of this is tremendous, especially since I don't have a support staff, a travel agent or someone to take over the workload while I'm gone (so I really have to hit deadlines and get things organised beforehand). Because I so often take on trips like these and live my life (seemingly) out of a suitcase, it's always go, go, go and do, do, do.

Last month in the middle of a work trip, I took two and a half days "off" to go to the Ritz Carlton at Half Moon Bay followed by an overnighter in Carmel. It was the first time I slowed down in years. With no internet, no computer, no writing, no mixing but just ocean, firepits, long dinners and lots of cafe's, I remembered what it was like to just be for a bit. But then I came back to San Francisco and it was once again go, go, go.

I love my life and the freedom I have with my work. I love that I am able to be selective about projects I take on and that there always seems to be a choice. I love the face paced world of technology, I love all the waiting on movie sets, I love all the deal making in development, I love writing and painting and preparing for gallery shows. This is why I work on my own but at the same time, the constant pressure of doing and not having a boundary for time off is still something I struggle with.

In the corporate world, I put in my 9-5 day with weekends off and vacation days. I don't have such structure now which is a double edge sword; I love being able to work from 11PM until 7AM but then when I sleep from 8-10AM I sometimes feel guilty or like I should keep going. I tend to work more hours now than I ever did for anyone else. The difference, though, is that at least I work a lot because I'm passionate about what I do and it really often does feel like play to me so I don't mind if I'm putting in 20hrs on a set (ok, sometimes I mind when it's a cold set and craft services runs out of coffee...)

My friend Alicia Paulson, who runs Posie: Rosy Little things, just wrote a wonderful post that mimics how I feel:

I don't know why I, too, tend to rush through things, or where that habit develops, or whether it's cultural, or contemporary, or timeless, or just plain human, and inevitable. When it comes to crafting, I assume it's further complicated because it's often, also, "working," for me. Like with any job, as fun as this one is, there are days when I just want to be done. Free to do my own thing. For which I always feel guilty. And so I rush it, looking over my shoulder, apologizing for taking the time. I think there must always be this conflict, when you turn what you love into what you "do." And when you work at home, the boundaries are further blurred, because they aren't really physical. Around here, the boundaries are pretty psychological. Lots of "work" happens on the "couch." But I feel like I rush things on both sides, the work and the play. I've talked about this before, but it's something I realize is a constant issue.

I've so often struggled with creating a line between work and play time and haven't, as of yet, figured it out. So perhaps it's just not something to figure out. I'm always a huge talker about how creative people often look for structure to feel "ok" and "secure" about themselves but then often fight it because we're creative and need to invent ways to be that work for us but then feel guilty for it and then look for structure. See the cycle? I hadn't realised I was somehow locked into, it too. With looking for a way to have "acceptable" work time and time off.

So perhaps then, the trick for me at least, is just to acknowledge that the line between work and play will always be blurred and that's OK. After all, I only take on work that I love to do so it's not really that bad a thing to work so much. But to be more in the moment of my work, to take some more time off, and to not just be go, go, go - that's the trick to practice.

Sometimes when the creativity has left me, I wonder if it's because I'm doing less time walking in the world and more time wondering how long Brenda and Dylan will stay a couple and if Laura will ever get off the Prarie.

I realised that I've said on several occasions that I'm currently not working and not planning to until the fall. I feel like this should be clarified before one thinks I'm sunning at the beach every day, sipping tea every afternoon and boogey the nights away. That's only on the weekends.

What not working means for me is that I'm currently not working with anyone else. Except for my last travel assignment coming up in two weeks I haven't taken on any others. I'm not working in film, I'm not writing articles, selling photographs and so forth. No outside jobs are being taken and no new ones are being pitched by me.

Who a person is at 10 is a very good indication of who they are. Whether or not they continue to remain themselves depends on how largely the world (parents, teachers, society, husbands, wives etc) changes them. But a 10 year old is old enough to understand a lot of things but still young enough to believe them. The many judgments one faces in life will eventually build up and, if one isn't careful, will change them.

I've had the good fortune of spending most of my life being unaware of judgments. I credit this for a lot of my success and ability to try things - I didn't know what was right, proper or wrong. But since living in America, I've become more aware because people talk more about it and the judgments seem harsher. There seems, from my experience, less acceptance of things that are different and I've always been a little different.

Once aware of a lot of judgments put on me for my choices (and I don't think I've ever been so judged than by being a writer/artist) I began to stand on shaky ground. I started to do less of the things I liked and more of the things I didn't - all completely unconscious. The judgments came at me from everywhere; there were message boards dedicated to hating this site and to me. There were people I'd meet on the street who'd make remarks. There were family and friends and co-workers who had opinions about who I was and what I was doing. I was often asked when I'd "get serious" about things or when I'd work regular hours (this is an issue for so many people since I tend to work "Gentleman's Hours" - 10PM until sunrise). People were often bothered by my choices or habits - even if it didn't affect them. The mere fact that I might be different caused issues and people wouldn't know how to talk to me or deal with me. Oh, it didn't matter that I made money or I was happy. In fact, the more successful I became financially and personally the more people thought I should change and conform. It's as though it bothered them that my way worked. "Being grown up" or "Responsible" seemed, for a lot of people, to be the same as "unhappy" or "ordinary" or "routine." It's that old saying, misery loves company. They didn't want to be alone and eventually, either did I.

So I gave in at some point and my life went on auto-pilot, it became routine, it became mundane and I became less excited about the every day. But what is interesting is, during this time, I won a lot of praise, people said my life was exciting, people acknowledged me, I became a "something" who had "credentials." I was serious - I was grown up!

And my art, my life, my soul, well it suffered because I was no longer myself. Nothing feels or works right if you're removed from yourself. It doesn't matter what others say, you'll know. You'll know. Maybe not right away but eventually. When you're not true to who you are, you make a very terrible someone else.

It took me several months to figure it out and as soon as I did I stopped doing things that I didn't like doing. I stopped trying to fit a mold or listen to others. I really encourage you to look at the source of information you're given. If someone is trying to tell you how to have a happy life but they don't really have it (this is especially true of creative/self-help writers who write book after book on how to be happy and live juicy but whose personal life never matches it; they don't have friendships, they're bitchy, alone or always in the same place) don't listen to them. If a poor person is trying to tell you how to build wealth, don't listen. If a person doesn't have it together is giving you relationship advice - run. Just don't take others words on how to live - listen to yourself. You know what makes sense. You know what works for you. Take inspiration but don't take it all as fact. Because chances are, they're removed from themselves, regurgitating information they were told works from people who didn't want to be different or didn't have the courage to be themselves.

I was watching the movie Fairy Tale: A True Story tonight which, I confess, has charmed since it first came out. But tonight it had a little message.

One of the young girls, age 8, says to her friend, "I know what it's like to be a grown-up. It's when you don't feel like yourself anymore."

Oh, I understand that we can't play around all day like we used to. I'm not suggesting one retreats into being a kid, start collecting dolls, wishing for ponies, or dressing like a teenager. That's not authentic for any adult and is just an extreme behaviour that one would create to avoid reality. And the reality is that, as an adult, there are bills to pay, a living to be made, appointments to be kept, groceries to be bought and so on. But, just like one shouldn't go to the extreme of being all childlike and hiding from the world, one shouldn't go to the other extreme of being so grown up and hiding from the world either. Change doesn't have to be dramatic - it just has to be authentic.

Besides, I like being the age I am; I like being able to choose where I go or buying things without permission. I love to talk tech or politics. I enjoy learning, I enjoy challenges, I enjoy the freedom I have based on all of my experiences. But at the same time I love how I can be open, childlike, and hopeful like my 10 year old self. A girl who finds beauty in things, who gets overly excited at tiny things, who waits for birthdays and Christmas and creates without care. Who doesn't worry of what others think because she isn't aware - all she's aware of is what is fun and what is not. It is this 10 year old self that makes the 32 year old self work.

If I've learned anything over the past 5 years at this creative life is that in order to have success - real success - it must be authentic. What you do must come from the heart. You must be true to who you are and be confident in it - even if others try to knock you down, tell you it's wrong, or make you be "responsible." They're just afraid. There's no reason for you to be, however.

One must be to become. You must be yourself. Think about who you were at 10 - what dreams you had, what beliefs you had and see if there's a way to balance that with what the world demands of you now. Can you play, a little? Can you love without fear? Can you try without worrying about failing? Can you create until the sun goes down or soak up every minute of the day? Can you believe? Can you?

I'm a huge believer that what you believe is what you manifest. That sounds easy but the trick is to get concious of what you really believe.

There's what we know, there's what we want to believe, and then there's what we believe. And a lot of our beliefs are formed by others before we even had a chance to understand, agree or disagree with them. It could have been our parents, our teachers, the kid next door, the television, a magazines, a word on a billboard. We hold onto so many beliefs that aren't ours and we hold onto many more beliefs we're not even concsious of.

So I'm going to keep looking for that life of balance, realizing that it's not something to be found, but something to be lived, each and every day. Balance is something that takes constant thought and energy and is not easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it; there is no step-by-step guide because every person, every life, is unique.

If you want to do it right, there is no easy way -- and yet, once you get the hang of it, it seems easy because you're achieving everything that you want. It's a self-sustaining effort that re-energizes instead of drains. That's the secret of those successful people who seem genuinely happy. It is possible, it is within your reach, if only you have the fortitude to work through all the psychological clutter that's in your way, the discipline to banish the fear from your mind. Like cleaning up your room -- it's gotta get messier before it can get clean.

So now the trick is actually living it instead of just saying it. And here's where one must stop blogging and get out there and do it.

I've been struggling over the last little while about the whole "Is there a Universe" question or is everything that happens a choice? Everyone seems to talk about the Universe lately, so much so that for me it's become a buzzword that has lost all meaning. It's as though the phrase "giving into the universe" has taken on the same effect as just praying; making one feeling like they're doing something without really doing anything. That instead of doing something they wait for "signs" if they should or shouldn't and just leave everything up to something else. This, I think, can be quite dangerous.

A few months ago when I was in Austin I kept looking for signs that never came. In fact, most signs I found told me not to do so many things and I struggled with this. Most "signs" said I shouldn't go on that trip. Most "signs" said I should have taken another Hollywood gig. Most "signs" pointed me in a very different direction. I didn't know what to do so I kept waiting for the universe to tell me. Instead of taking charge of my life, I waited for someone or something to hand me direction. This lead me nowhere. I take that back. It lead me down a darker road because nothing seemed to bet getting better because I was just standing still. Waiting

But then one afternoon on the side of the highway I decided to stop waiting for signs, stop waiting for The Universe to take charge and make a choice to do what I needed to do. And that one choice lead me to make many others that night that influenced more choices and reactions from others. All of which lead me on a very different path - a far better one than I could have imagined had I just sat waiting for the universe to tell me what to do.

Over brunch a few weeks ago in Seattle, Amanda (a writer for a site I run) and I talked about this at length. We came to the conclusion that perhaps life is a little bit of both "The Universe" and choice. That when you make a choice you start to see new things based on that choice and that can feel like the support of "The Universe."

If you choose to be happy, others will react to a happy person and opportunities that weren't there for you will appear. If you choose to sit and wait for something to be handed to you, you're going to be waiting quite some time and it will seem like The Universe is making you wait for the "right" opportunity. But the "right" opportunity could just be you making a new choice and seeing new things based on that as mentioned above.

But then I think, perhaps there is some universe that is a big, overall guide. A guide that shows us lessons we need to learn and gives us tests to see if we've learned them. I waffle on this idea a lot but after yesterday's incident, I lean towards it being true. For all the talk I've been doing lately about connecting, being of use, and making new choices all came together in one big moment that asked me, "are you really ready to walk the walk?"

Hi Alex, I read your email newsletter and I just want to suggest that maybe you weren't satisfied with where you are because its all about you-- you quiting something, you wanting to be an artist, you wanted to break into Hollywood, etc. And you have accomplished all of this things. I admire that. There is nothing wrong about doing the things you truly want to do, because this is your life and decide how you want to live it. But perhaps this feeling of being lost is due to the fact that there is no greater cause behind it. It's always been about getting to know what you are capable of doing. About you proving, about you achieving. You know better than anyone else what your capabilities are. Many people havent realized their dreams, nor their capabilities yet. You are creative, talented, caring. I don't know you at all, but I can feel it in the tone of your blogs and newsletter. Maybe a higher cause in enriching the lives of other people will make you even more fulfilled about yourself. :) Kim

Hi Kim,
I totally, completely agree with what you've said and these have been my thoughts. I've worked without purpose the last year or so and that's been very hard for me because I don't like things being about me. No better way to feel useless than to not affect anyone. So yes, your thoughts are my thoughts and i'm working on it. Giving back is a huge thing for me - I just forgot it for awhile.
Alex

I first started creating web sites not to show anything off, but to be of use. I wanted to share a new viewpoint or offer great information I'd found elsewhere. I started creating this site and others like it to help women find their calling and become brave enough to do it. I grew up volunteering; helping handicapped children ride horses, blind children swim, or run errands for elderly people who couldn't get out. Yes I love to make money and that's something I work on and enjoy, but the purpose that I have that's made me money has been being of use.

A couple of months ago, when I was in Austin Texas, I had a moment when everything changed. A moment when I was both at the lowest point and the highest. I liken it to when the tides begin to turn and there's that moment when opposing currents hit and it takes some finagling before they sync and the water splashes every which way. There's purpose but the change is chaotic just the same.

I was scheduled to be in Austin for four days but was rushing to the airport one day earlier. Nothing about my trip there was going as planned, nothing seemed right, nothing seemed like LA despite the fact I was here to get away from everything that was LA. There were no signs from the universe that I should be here or what I should do. There were no moments of clarity or grace in fact so many things were going wrong and I couldn't think clearly about anything.It was a mess. I was a mess.

Although I came to town looking to find a home so that I could move here and change my lifestyle, being here made me so afraid that I ended up not wanting to change one bit. Despite wanting to leave LA, the lifestyle, my career, start fresh, get simple, make new changes, the actual act of making it real and not just talking about it scared me. I wanted to be open like the people of the city yet I kept myself cocooned from them all; refusing to talk to anyone. Even cheerful checkout clerks. Austin showed me my possibilities and I became scared and made excuses to why I had to rush to the airport and leave a day early.

Half-way to the airport I had to pull over next to an empty field because my eyes were filled and driving was impossible. There I sat in the car, overwhelmed, confused, and scared for a good half-hour. But I realised I had to make a choice - a choice to go on being afraid, upset, confused and waiting for signs that weren't coming or I could turn the car around, go back to the hotel, and move forward however uncomfortable.

This has been my view at least twice a month for the past 10 months. So many trips taken which, to a lot of people, sounds so glamorous. When people ask me what I do or why I'm in town, my answer of "I'm a travel writer" or "I'm working on a film" elicits oooh's and ahh's. I confess, this used to make me feel proud. Now, it just makes me feel tired.

I've been at home for two days and, in 26 more will head out on a three week journey as I drive across Canada. Four days after I get home I'll be on another trip but, for the first time in a long time, it won't be work related.

Several months ago I became conscious of what'd I was doing and realised it didn't suit me anymore. Yes, one can go on autopilot as an artist. It doesn't just happen to those in cubicles. There is no greener side of the fence. There's good and bad to every job and for me, the bad of my career over the last year began to outweigh the good. But as what happened when I was in a 9-5 job, I was scared to change paths.

After all, I had worked so hard for the success I had achieved. I was once again making a great financial living. I had titles, I impressed people, I had name recognition - who would leave that?

It is interesting to me that my dilemma with where I had become as an artist was the exact same one I suffered as an executive. The same fears came up, the same challenges came up, and the same doubt came up, too. You'd think it'd be easy for me just to be brave and say no to what wasn't working and a huge yes to a new direction but it wasn't. Again I stayed working for months in an area I didn't love anymore simply because I didn't know what to do next. (I should note that this time around I wasn't as miserable as when I did work that was 100% not me. But still, when it's not you, it's not you).

20 years ago, I failed art. Twice. Now my work hangs in galleries, sells as prints, graces book covers and has won design awards.

15 years ago I cleaned toilets in an historic, fancy hotel. Now I write about such hotels and get paid for it. I even was sent on assignment to write about the one I once cleaned.

8 years ago I moved to America. I made $7,000.00 that year and had to weigh apples to make sure I could afford them. Now, eat 3 apples each day. Sometimes 4.

5 years ago I was in a job I hated and wanted something else. Now, I choose happiness and everything else.

It's the last day of a four day Women Writers Conference that, for me, has been one of the greatest experiences in terms of connecting with and learning from other writers. The days blew by far too quickly and the 3 Q&A's I gave were so enjoyable and the people I met made me wish I had a bigger suitcase to take them home in. This morning I had brunch at a home with a mix of locals and presenters, where we were happily ate and, for over three hours, dished as only writers (and girls) can.

That all sounds so fabulous, so happy, so content so absolutely easy and charmed. I can hear it now - the "Oh that Alex, of course that happens to her. Everything is easy when you are fearless and do things" But the truth is, I am not fearless at all - I just don't give into being fearfull.

I learned this weekend that fear is not a unique feeling whatsoever. In every talk I gave, the question I kept being asked was, "How do you get over the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of being blown off, the fear of looking stupid, the fear of it not working out and..." well, you're a creative person - I'm sure you can add a few more fears on your own.

When I attended a BlogHer panel today I left really, really frustrated Both the panel and the audience, and perhaps rightly so, seemed to be very "grrrrl." Everyone seemed to reflect each other both in dress and in speech and it everyone seemed to be just so focused on the pain of women, how women writers need to tag everything they do as "women" and how we need to kick some ass (ours! theirs!) and get angry at not being "equal" or as perceived as smart as men because lord knows we're better. There was an energy in the room that for me was really uncomfortable. It was as though everyone was just riled up and angry at anything not "grrrl" oriented. In talking to a several people after about it, I wasn't the only one that picked up on it. But then, none of the people I spoke to were "grrrls" (actually, a lot of them were really hot women who held engineering jobs in Google and Yahoo. Their openness made you want to talk to them. Their brains made you want to listen).

Despite having the word "girl" in many of my site and creating sites based on women and for women, it has never, ever been at the expense of men. I do not feel the need to be "PRO WOMAN" to get ahead. I get along fine with the fella's, can talk business and smack with the best of them, and am taken seriously too. It's why with almost every site (even the ones "geared" towards women), my readership is always almost 60% female and 40% male. I tend to do things universal because I just believe we're all here to connect. And I don't care if you're in a dress, pants, blue hair or blonde. It's what is interesting and useful to me that counts and not defining myself in a small group to try to gain power.

What I took from the BlogHer was that they seemed to think that as a woman you should be kicking mens asses for visibility and breaking down the boys club and to do that you must be all about being serious woman, hear me roar. That you preach to the choir, form a group of only like-minded people and attack that old boys network which is bad (though this is a little amusing considering they're creating a woman's only network). They didn't seem interested, from what I could tell, in engaging people with different opinions or who weren't like them. Despite wanting something different, they weren't willing to risk being different. And I don't think this phenomenon is unique to them.

There's a lot of women, especially corporate women or women who seek power and certain positions in which they think only men currently have and will only have unless they become some kind of feminist, who think a pretty little thing that laughs and wears a dress isn't serious and can't "help the cause." They see her as a flirt, dumb, and of no value because real women who try to change things are kicking people's asses, wearing pantsuits and clinging to being a woman in an unfair world. You can't smile about! If you do you obviously don't care! This is how I've been treated by so many women in the industry and I'm so fucking tired of it. I tell you, a bit of laughter and a smile backed up with brains got me into top level corporate america and it also helped me create a really successful art career. By playing the game, so to speak, I got into places where I could change the rules. I've helped women a lot. I understand women run differently and have different challenges but I'll be damned if I join a woman's only network and say I'm limited because I'm a woman. There's no way I want to get somewhere because I was focusing solely on my sex and the sex of others.

I have a lot of really great, smart, powerful women friends, a couple of whom are involved with BlogHer. Because of these women, I felt it would be less "we're women with issues" and more "let's connect," which is why before I left for Austin I shot an email to them. I have a huge network of women that love to connect and thought it would be a great thing for everyone involved. But, I learned that this orgnisation (and a those that are similar) are really not interested in connecting with things outside what they think their agenda is. If someone doesn't fit their profile or isn't a minion, there's no use. Despite being one of, if not the first, female bloggers in 1995, having two SXSW web nominations for best female oriented sites, despite receiving at least 70,000 hits on every site I've created and being in the industry for ten years, to a lot of girls in tech especially, a smile, a pretty dress means I don't know what I'm talking about. Not being angry or "grrrl" centric means I'm not serious. Not having a blog entry about the trials and tribulations of how I suffer means I'm blind to what goes on. The truth is, they want to cling to being a minority and old definitions despite the pretense of wanting to break them down. I think they also cling to things as an excuse for why they're not where they want to be. "If I was a man I'd have done X. If I was a man I'd have more hits. If I was a man I'd be taken seriously. If I was a man, I'd have more power." Excuses are never, ever powerful and I don't participate in that. It's probably why I have, for lack of a better term, been successful in a mans world. I don't look at it as a mans world - I see it as mine. Whatever I want to do - I do it. That simple.

In the conference, one woman asked the question "If stereotypes in reality bother you so much, why would you bring them into internet space? Why is it so important to be a woman blogger and not just a blogger? Why would you focus more on tagging your work as "woman" or "lesbian" instead of a woman who blogs or a lesbian who write? Why cling to names?"

The whole panel just skipped this question. When she tried too reiterate her question again, the panel once again ignored her. She didn't look like anyone on the panel, she wasnt' mimicking the cheering on of the audience and she had a different point of view that didn't seem to be heard or addressed. If it was, perhaps they would have gained two allies instead of alienating to. Because after the panel I talked to her about it, saying I thought it was the most challenging question out there and how disappointed I was to not hear them respond. I said I think it scared them because they were so caught up in being rah, rah, rah about being a woman and being heard that they forgot to listen and accept all kinds of women and perhaps didn't want to acknowledge that they were perhaps hurting their own cause. You don't convert people to your belief system by attacking them, making them afraid of you or being so glued to your ideas you can't accept some challenging ones from someone else.

I happened to grow up in a European culture where girls wore dresses and no one thought anything of it - not even in advanced calculus. But here, at this conference and a lot of the time in America, if you don't have a certain "look" that most women in any given area have other women tend to think you're not serious. In this case, wearing a dress and having long blonde hair makes me stand out and makes it really, really hard to connect sometimes to other women. Men, on the other hand, haven't ever judged me so harshly as other women and are a lot more open to what I have to say and what I can do. Male bosses have advanced me further up the ladder, mentored me, given me chances when other women wouldn't because most women bosses had an idea of what a "serious woman" is and if you hire a happy girl in a dress, she might make take women back 50 years! Which is perhaps why I tend to have more male role models who are just about getting things done, creating, and supporting instead of trying to be all about women and competing with them and trying to figure out my rank. A man goes from point a-z without apology. Some women, however, take a long and winding road because they think they have road blocks that if they just didn't give weight to, wouldn't be there.

The point is that if you want to wear a dress, go for it. If you want to be butch, go for it. You want to blog, do it. You want to giggle, sure! You want to be powerful and a woman, why not! Do what is in you to do and to be. Don't cling to an idea of who you think you are or who you think others are. Don't keep talking about limitations (ones that you self-impose or feel that society has imposed). Try to connect with more than what you know, especially if change is a goal. Because if you don't, chances are you'll stay a> bitter b> a minority and c>unsucesssfull and d>unhappy. The only way to not feel trapped as a stereotype is to not be one.

{And as a side, I'd like to thank the people (girls & grrls) who have emailed me about this. From those who've agreed to the couple that haven't. It's good to have the discussion. To see each others sides, to bend a little, to hear. Because being willing to take the risk and talk about one's experience and perhaps in return hear about an opposite experience or a different view is so much more beneficial to everyone than just getting snarky, childish and stopping conversation on a web site. It's been unfortunate, for me, that the BlogHer Panel & their minions found this post and decided to just send hate mail instead of conversations. No one benefits that way because this kind of discussion isn't about being right or getting the last word. It's about hearing how we're treating each other and calling each other on it (myself included). If women really want women to get more power, they have to stop keeping each other down instead of blaming men).

I'm often asked what I'm up to; what things I'm working on, what projects are happening , where my words are published and where my photographs are showing. For the last couple of years I've taken to not discussing this generally and instead, just doing it. In the beginning I found it important to voice everything I did - part pride, part disbelief, part reassurance. But then I decided I didn't need to do this and that the pressure to "perform" or "prove myself" had become too much and unnecessary.

So instead of sharing every detail of my work, I quietly went about my own business and let it flourish without the spotlight. Chances are if you've picked up a major travel magazine or read the travel section of any US or Canadian newspaper you've seen my work. My photographs have been in galleries from London to Vancouver and my artwork has been in stores and on book covers. I've been working on major movie sets doing everything from stand-in work to production coordination. Despite being quiet on the web, I've been living loudly, happily, and successfully. In fact, I've been more productive, more creative and more successful since becoming private about my work - probably due to the fact that instead of taking time to write about it, question it and over think it with a blog-thought, I was just all action.

A couple of years ago I stopped reading artists blogs, books, websites, creative ideas and trying to validate everything. I just did what I wanted and what worked and let everything fall as it may. Although one can find inspiration from others and their work, I think it's more important to just do the work you're capable of without judging it or comparing it to where others are. You shouldn't be keeping a scorecard or trying to prove something to an audience.

Art is about expressing what's in you without judgment and ego. For me, that means to do anything and everything that pops into my head, continue making a great living at it, enjoying all the great bits and messy ones but never having to explain what it is I do. That freedom is what allows me to keep moving forward and working every step of the way.

To communicate something of what I feel about what we do as artists, as musicians and as human beings. The sun will not fall down from the sky if there are no more [artists]. The world can and will go on without us but I have to think that we have made this world a better place. That we have left it richer, wiser than had we not chosen the way of art. The older I get, the less I know but I am certain that what we do matters. You must know what you want to do in life, you must decide, for we cannot do everything. Do not think [art] is an easy career. IT is a lifetime's work; it does not stop here. What matters is that you use whatever you have learned wisely. - Maria Callas

I was watching Faye Dunaway's play "Master Class" based on the infamous opera singer Maria Callas (Unfortunately the play is no longer going and it's not available on DVD - I only had access to it because Faye dropped it off. You'll have to wait until she makes the movie). And of all the things I've heard about being an artist and what it means and advice given and stories told, I would have to say that this play is the only thing that ever shook my core and made the hair on my arms stand in attention. "This is not an opera! This is LIFE" she says to a student who sings without passion, and sings because someone told him he could and he thought it'd be a great job to make him famous. She goes on to explain to him that because she was living every moment that she sang, she was great. Because he goes through the motions and removes himself from it all, he isn't.

Why this struck me so was that often people tend to want to take on jobs that they think they should, or that they're good at or that will get them somewhere. They tend to think of work as work, art as art, and life as everything that happens outside. But life is everything. Life is the act of living. There is no separation from work, art and life. She goes on to say that a person should know what they want to do in life and live it. That to scatter the mind with half wants and ideas is a waste - choose something and go after it with life. And, when you subscribe to the theory that there is no separation between life and work then one really ought to only do what they love. Isn't that the truth.