I began a few months ago to taper off the Hollywood end of things. The egos were hard to deal with, the limitations even harder. Being cool because of who I knew or what set I was on was hard to swallow as was having friends based on how useful I was. What at first seemed wonderful turned slightly ugly and left me confused. So as I became brave enough to say no to work, I was left wondering what else to do.

I focused on my travel writing since I had several large assignments lingering. And as I sat on the planes to go to yet another place, my fear of flying began to overtake me. It became worse and worse with each trip. I think I made it worse because in my heart I knew I was tired of travelling (fears are often manifested just simply out of a dislike for something). I didn't like going all over, hotels were blurring, I didn't have time to connect with friends and instead had dinners with PR people. I became so busy detailing things that didn't matter for articles I forgot to enjoy myself and look at the big picture. And on my last trip, I realised I had to say no to assignments coming my way and yes to something else.

But what else, I had no idea. I'd wanted to be a writer and I did that. I wanted to be an artist, did that too. Work of film? Check. Write a book? Check. Speak? Check. Make a living creatively? Check. Without really knowing, I had spent the past 5 years working hard and working long. Working to prove something or do something - sometimes I'm not sure which. I had seen the ugly side of it all and become really disheartened by a lot of people's actions (in Hollywood, in Blogland and in the "Creative Community") and reactions so I became quiet and withdrawn from a lot of things because I paid far too much attention to them. I stopped listening to myself, I stopped having fun, I stopped creating. In fact, I'd completely forgotten to be a Girl at Play.

I realised that what I needed to do was take some time off from work, stop paying attention to things that drove me crazy and start connecting to myself and get out of my own head. This translated to me needing to buy my first house and put my heart and soul into it. I wanted to garden so I could could have a physical, creative purpose. I wanted to cook so that I could slow down, do something, and then have some private satisfaction when the loaf came out of the oven (without having to blog about it). I wanted friends that I could visit without having to say "Catch you next month - if I'm in town!" or wondering if they were just my friend because of who they thought I was. I didn't want to keep up with the Jones' or the blog market or the "creative dream telling" market. I just wanted to simply be Alex for awhile - I hadn't done that in a very, very long time.

That's when I decided to move to a new city and leave behind the L.A. life. I've been in transition for a few months now which is why Girl at Play has been so quiet. I haven't wanted to preach about living a great authentic life if I'm not doing it. I didn't want to be all glowy about being an artist when I think it's one of the hardest things to do and often leaves me lonely. I don't want to write about home when all I'm doing is dreaming about my trip in September to buy my first place. My first trip with no writing or creating involved. Oh, the goosebumps just went on my arm.

But I think I am ready to start talking again. A lot of people who achieve success don't like talking about the ugly side of it. They like to maintain an illusion so they can sell their product or get the next gig. But nothing in life is always perfect and wonderful. Oh I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything and I honestly do love my life. I couldn't ever go back to doing something I hate. But there's change and there's confusion at times - especially if you want to keep moving forward and keep enjoying your life. You can't be on autopilot and be successful personally.

I'm in the midst of change but change can't really come if it's all just ideas in my head. It can't come if there's a site up that doesn't reflect where I am now. It can't come if I'm clinging to old habits or working off old fears. Change comes when you make ideas real. And you know how I feel about making things real.

So then, Girl at Play has gone through a slight transformation. You'll notice how simple it is. The site had become so complicated with pages all over and this bit of writing here and this explanation there and this person involved in this and that and so on. I believe when we make things complicated it's to hide our truth and I think I did that. So I cut out all the extra and just put up the basics. I'm not sure what it means or what direction I'm going in (I've promised myself no taking on new jobs for the rest of the year so I can really figure out my next step. This is uncomfortable for a do'er like me. But being uncomfortable is a challenge. And I like a challenge). What I do know, is that simple always works. Get to the heart of who you are and what you want and that answer is the answer that will save you. Or kick your ass.

The blog is updating, slowly but surely. There are new books up and a little story about how it all came to be. Nothing flashy, nothing fake, no trying to be and no holding on.

Besides, it's summer. And one dresses with fewer layers in the summer just to feel the sun on their skin. And I do love that feeling.

July 5, 2006 | Link to this | Filed in Everyday Play