GIRL AT PLAY PRODUCTIONS - by Alex Beauchamp

Who a person is at 10 is a very good indication of who they are. Whether or not they continue to remain themselves depends on how largely the world (parents, teachers, society, husbands, wives etc) changes them. But a 10 year old is old enough to understand a lot of things but still young enough to believe them. The many judgments one faces in life will eventually build up and, if one isn't careful, will change them.

I've had the good fortune of spending most of my life being unaware of judgments. I credit this for a lot of my success and ability to try things - I didn't know what was right, proper or wrong. But since living in America, I've become more aware because people talk more about it and the judgments seem harsher. There seems, from my experience, less acceptance of things that are different and I've always been a little different.

Once aware of a lot of judgments put on me for my choices (and I don't think I've ever been so judged than by being a writer/artist) I began to stand on shaky ground. I started to do less of the things I liked and more of the things I didn't - all completely unconscious. The judgments came at me from everywhere; there were message boards dedicated to hating this site and to me. There were people I'd meet on the street who'd make remarks. There were family and friends and co-workers who had opinions about who I was and what I was doing. I was often asked when I'd "get serious" about things or when I'd work regular hours (this is an issue for so many people since I tend to work "Gentleman's Hours" - 10PM until sunrise). People were often bothered by my choices or habits - even if it didn't affect them. The mere fact that I might be different caused issues and people wouldn't know how to talk to me or deal with me. Oh, it didn't matter that I made money or I was happy. In fact, the more successful I became financially and personally the more people thought I should change and conform. It's as though it bothered them that my way worked. "Being grown up" or "Responsible" seemed, for a lot of people, to be the same as "unhappy" or "ordinary" or "routine." It's that old saying, misery loves company. They didn't want to be alone and eventually, either did I.

So I gave in at some point and my life went on auto-pilot, it became routine, it became mundane and I became less excited about the every day. But what is interesting is, during this time, I won a lot of praise, people said my life was exciting, people acknowledged me, I became a "something" who had "credentials." I was serious - I was grown up!

And my art, my life, my soul, well it suffered because I was no longer myself. Nothing feels or works right if you're removed from yourself. It doesn't matter what others say, you'll know. You'll know. Maybe not right away but eventually. When you're not true to who you are, you make a very terrible someone else.

It took me several months to figure it out and as soon as I did I stopped doing things that I didn't like doing. I stopped trying to fit a mold or listen to others. I really encourage you to look at the source of information you're given. If someone is trying to tell you how to have a happy life but they don't really have it (this is especially true of creative/self-help writers who write book after book on how to be happy and live juicy but whose personal life never matches it; they don't have friendships, they're bitchy, alone or always in the same place) don't listen to them. If a poor person is trying to tell you how to build wealth, don't listen. If a person doesn't have it together is giving you relationship advice - run. Just don't take others words on how to live - listen to yourself. You know what makes sense. You know what works for you. Take inspiration but don't take it all as fact. Because chances are, they're removed from themselves, regurgitating information they were told works from people who didn't want to be different or didn't have the courage to be themselves.

I was watching the movie Fairy Tale: A True Story tonight which, I confess, has charmed since it first came out. But tonight it had a little message.

One of the young girls, age 8, says to her friend, "I know what it's like to be a grown-up. It's when you don't feel like yourself anymore."

Oh, I understand that we can't play around all day like we used to. I'm not suggesting one retreats into being a kid, start collecting dolls, wishing for ponies, or dressing like a teenager. That's not authentic for any adult and is just an extreme behaviour that one would create to avoid reality. And the reality is that, as an adult, there are bills to pay, a living to be made, appointments to be kept, groceries to be bought and so on. But, just like one shouldn't go to the extreme of being all childlike and hiding from the world, one shouldn't go to the other extreme of being so grown up and hiding from the world either. Change doesn't have to be dramatic - it just has to be authentic.

Besides, I like being the age I am; I like being able to choose where I go or buying things without permission. I love to talk tech or politics. I enjoy learning, I enjoy challenges, I enjoy the freedom I have based on all of my experiences. But at the same time I love how I can be open, childlike, and hopeful like my 10 year old self. A girl who finds beauty in things, who gets overly excited at tiny things, who waits for birthdays and Christmas and creates without care. Who doesn't worry of what others think because she isn't aware - all she's aware of is what is fun and what is not. It is this 10 year old self that makes the 32 year old self work.

If I've learned anything over the past 5 years at this creative life is that in order to have success - real success - it must be authentic. What you do must come from the heart. You must be true to who you are and be confident in it - even if others try to knock you down, tell you it's wrong, or make you be "responsible." They're just afraid. There's no reason for you to be, however.

One must be to become. You must be yourself. Think about who you were at 10 - what dreams you had, what beliefs you had and see if there's a way to balance that with what the world demands of you now. Can you play, a little? Can you love without fear? Can you try without worrying about failing? Can you create until the sun goes down or soak up every minute of the day? Can you believe? Can you?

I'm a huge believer that what you believe is what you manifest. That sounds easy but the trick is to get concious of what you really believe.

There's what we know, there's what we want to believe, and then there's what we believe. And a lot of our beliefs are formed by others before we even had a chance to understand, agree or disagree with them. It could have been our parents, our teachers, the kid next door, the television, a magazines, a word on a billboard. We hold onto so many beliefs that aren't ours and we hold onto many more beliefs we're not even concsious of.

When I stopped working in Hollywood months ago, I also stopped going to screenings and premieres. I thought because I wasn't in the industry anymore, I shouldn't go. I didn't need to network, I didn't need to see everything, I didn't need to keep up. I had equated going to movies with work which I had equated to no fun.

Despite adoring movies and working on sets, my opinion of it all changed because others kept telling me that what I was doing wasn't enough. If I wanted to be successful I had to take X job, get X title, meet with X person. As soon as I did that, they said, I'd have passed a level and it'd be onto the next one. I didn't really understand what they meant because I loved what I initially did and became confused by the attitude that movie making wasn't fun - it was business! And all that is one of the reasons why I stopped working. Unlike most of Hollywood, I wasn't trying to prove anything. I just wanted a little fun.

So when the work stopped, going to the movies stopped. But then a little while ago I was invited to a screening of Kinky Boots, and, since I'd once lived in Northampton where the movie is based and filmed, I thought I'd go just to see if I could see shots of the city. After the screening was a Q&A with the main actor which was just really thoughtful but also fun. It was after that screening I realised that I could go to a movie just for the pure fun and enjoyment and not because of where it'd get me or how it'd make me look.

Without having others opinions and meanings of movies or movie making involved in whether or not I enjoy something, movies began to once again equal fun. And in the past little bit I've gone to more screenings and premieres which, I must confess, have been not only fun, but useful. I normally wouldn't see these films if I had to pay to go and I'd miss out on so many great little films and little bits of inspiration here and there. So I've learned that by saying yes to the fun, I'm saying yes to always being open to learning which is really saying yes to being personally successful.

So last week I was invited to a of Little Miss Sunshine and, without knowing much about the film, decided to go. Besides, Toni Collette was going to be there and I think she's fabulous (and she was. So tiny!).

The movie was fun. I wasn't expecting to laugh as much as I did - and if you see the last shot of the film, you'll understand. But more importantly, the film also really got me thinking and confirmed even more.

The opening shot of the film is brilliant; it shows a man who is selling his "9 steps" to success. Using the mumbo jumbo self-help lingo, selling his words, using that selling tone. Then if flashes to his class - all six people. Then you follow this man home and his life is a mess, something I wrote about in a previous post which said a lot of self-help gurus sell their ideas but just don't live them. (Which is why I think you should only trust ideas that make sense to you and you can make work but do not trust anyone who just wants to sell you a book - or seven of them). He has a daughter who, by default, is able to compete in a beauty pageant called, "Little Miss Sunshine." The story is of this family and their trip to the pageant and then the pageant itself.

Win, win, win! Is what the self-help guru father is all about. He doesn't want to be a loser, his kids to be a loser, his brother in-law to be a loser. He can point out which steps make you a loser, and which ones make you a winner. Everyone in his family is annoyed by his 9-steps yet, they all hold the same belief that you do one thing to make you a winner, and one thing to make you a loser. Each person in the family holds the belief that if they could just do X, they'd be winners. And when those things don't happen, they fall apart. It's actually a really well-done movie with real characters that, if you allow them, will get you thinking. Especially since they go from holding one set of beliefs about what success and life's purpose is in the beginning to changing them in the end.

The interesting thing about the people in the movie is that the beliefs they first hold are common beliefs that most people have - and you can't blame them, really. After all, I think in America especially, we're set up for this. In school you're taught to pass tests. If you study and answer X, you're a winner. If you don't, you're a loser. If you do graduate from school - winner! If you don't - loser! If you go to university - winner! If you don't - loser! If you have a great big wedding before 30 - winner! If you're single at 32 - loser! If you get a job with benefits - winner! If you're an artists - loser! And so on and so on. We're told that if we do x, y & z, we'll be winners and so we try so hard to follow a pattern to make sure we "win" - after all, who wants to look like a loser?

Things are slowly changing and moving for me despite the fact I lack direction or an idea of what I'm exactly trying to do. And even if I did know what I wanted to do it wouldn't speed up the process. In fact, no matter how much clarity or motivation I get, I have to take it slow because of my three week cross-Canada venture which takes up most of August, and a move to a new city in mid-September. I'm not really able to focus on career at the moment or put down solid roots someplace. Everything is up in the air, especially considering that I don't know what my next step will be.

This is similar to a lot of people who are currently in jobs they don't like and wish to one day run their own business. They can't make the leap today so they have to sit and wait for the right moment to act. But that's perhaps where the similarities end - I'm not waiting to act or begin. I'm waiting to focus 100% but I'm not waiting to start.

Currently I'm restructuring my company; recreating my mission statement, looking into hiring a couple of people to work with, changing up a few sites, getting ready to launch another. I'm also taking in a lot of conversations with a lot of different people - seeking answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Despite not working in Hollywood, I'm still going to screenings and premieres, partly to keep myself inspired by movies and partly to just keep in touch with people for reasons I don't know today but might down the road. I'm reading books on wealth and financial responsibility so that I know what to do with the money I have and the money that will eventually come. I'm playing around with different things and also just taking a lot of time to play, hang out, and do nothing.

So even though I'm not able to do everything I want right now or even know what that is, I'm still working on it, slowly, behind the scenes, but working just the same.

I'm a huge believer that you get results based on the effort you put into something; if you put a lot of effort into being miserable, you will be miserable. If you put a lot of effort into being overweight, you will be overweight. If you put a lot of effort into complaining about your current life, you will remain in your current life. However, if you put a lot of effort into moving forward and taking care of things you can take care of right now, you will move forward - even if it's little steps done by even smaller movements.

If you want to have a different life but can't jump into it completely right now, do something - even if it's as simple as changing an old belief or picking up a pen to right down your company name. It's the act of believing in your dreams and then acting on them that will manifest more and more. Just thinking about it, dreaming about it, wishing for it, won't make anything happen. You must do something and keep doing something.

This will be a great habit to get into because trust me, once you do make that dream real there's no sitting back with your feet up on the desk doing nothing but eating bon bons. You'll be working hard, working more, and going through even more changes. If I just laid on the floor and flailed my limbs about because I don't know what I'm going to do come September, chances are, when September comes I won't be any closer to anything. In fact, I'd probably spiral down and be further away from achieving anything.

In order to grasp opportunity, one has to be prepared. So each day I do little by little - even if I don't fully understand why.

So I'm going to keep looking for that life of balance, realizing that it's not something to be found, but something to be lived, each and every day. Balance is something that takes constant thought and energy and is not easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it; there is no step-by-step guide because every person, every life, is unique.

If you want to do it right, there is no easy way -- and yet, once you get the hang of it, it seems easy because you're achieving everything that you want. It's a self-sustaining effort that re-energizes instead of drains. That's the secret of those successful people who seem genuinely happy. It is possible, it is within your reach, if only you have the fortitude to work through all the psychological clutter that's in your way, the discipline to banish the fear from your mind. Like cleaning up your room -- it's gotta get messier before it can get clean.

So now the trick is actually living it instead of just saying it. And here's where one must stop blogging and get out there and do it.

In a few weeks I'm leaving for Vancouver to being a three week journey across Canada by car. The final destination? St. Johns Newfoundland, literally on the other side of the country. Why? To write about Canada and to conclude my last major trip of the year. I'll be thrilled when the suitcase isn't coming out every month or, as it's been in the last little while, every couple of weeks.

If anyone has suggestions, ideas or tips for this cross country driving venture, please let me know. I'm anxious to master the Canadian way of saying "about" and "process" and see how many Tim Hortons I can stop at. But most of all, I'm excited about the open road, meeting new people, and discovering a great country. This is one trip I think I'll just drink up.

"because the path's not always linear, no matter how much we want it to be. and i'm learning this - in yoga, in writing, in life - by degrees. and maybe when it's when we move towards uncertainty, towards indecision, that we find clarity. it's only when we dive headfirst into the dark water, can we really rise up and see light."

I'm sure had I asked her a few years ago when we met what she thought the next few years would be, it wouldn't match the reality of what her life has become. Likewise had she asked me.

Creative people, we create. We create beauty, drama, paths, life, jobs, challenges, pain, laughter. There's nothing linear about that. There's nothing linear about life. We just keep moving, things get clearer and we change to accommodate that. Slowly sometimes, fast others, but never straight.

After many years of neglect, The Chronicles have received a much needed facelift, including new categories complete with entries in them.

The Chronicles hold a very special place in my heart, I confess. If you want truth in what it takes to be a writer, an artist, a something outside the box, that's it. When I first began to record what I was going through there was literally no one else talking about all this stuff.

Oh sure, there were books on how to write but it was from authors who had made it. They had sort of glamourised or romantacised the process of being creative - the reality seemed to be missing. So I decided to write about it. And write I did for three years.

At first, I had no idea what I wanted to say, what I was going to write, or who would even care. I just thought that someone had to be in the same position as me or would be someday and could find my struggles and realisations perhaps useful. I didn't intend for it to turn out the way it did (the fame, the jobs, the different directions it took me). I just intended to write.

The Chronicles are very specific; they only talk about my life as a writer/artist/entrepreneur. Because of this, I think it gives a really honest account of what goes on when you try to go on your own. As least, it's my honest account.

After several years of writing I had fallen out of love with chronicling the process. I thought I kept repeating the same thing or had become boring. I had become busy with other things and thought I wasn't being as truthful anymore. So it eventually came to an end. It would take me awhile to restart a Girl at Play Blog (this one) and find my tune. It's coming along.

In any event, I hope that if you find yourself in the same position as I was, that The Chronicles perhaps will give you a little comfort. If they do, let me know.

I've been struggling over the last little while about the whole "Is there a Universe" question or is everything that happens a choice? Everyone seems to talk about the Universe lately, so much so that for me it's become a buzzword that has lost all meaning. It's as though the phrase "giving into the universe" has taken on the same effect as just praying; making one feeling like they're doing something without really doing anything. That instead of doing something they wait for "signs" if they should or shouldn't and just leave everything up to something else. This, I think, can be quite dangerous.

A few months ago when I was in Austin I kept looking for signs that never came. In fact, most signs I found told me not to do so many things and I struggled with this. Most "signs" said I shouldn't go on that trip. Most "signs" said I should have taken another Hollywood gig. Most "signs" pointed me in a very different direction. I didn't know what to do so I kept waiting for the universe to tell me. Instead of taking charge of my life, I waited for someone or something to hand me direction. This lead me nowhere. I take that back. It lead me down a darker road because nothing seemed to bet getting better because I was just standing still. Waiting

But then one afternoon on the side of the highway I decided to stop waiting for signs, stop waiting for The Universe to take charge and make a choice to do what I needed to do. And that one choice lead me to make many others that night that influenced more choices and reactions from others. All of which lead me on a very different path - a far better one than I could have imagined had I just sat waiting for the universe to tell me what to do.

Over brunch a few weeks ago in Seattle, Amanda (a writer for a site I run) and I talked about this at length. We came to the conclusion that perhaps life is a little bit of both "The Universe" and choice. That when you make a choice you start to see new things based on that choice and that can feel like the support of "The Universe."

If you choose to be happy, others will react to a happy person and opportunities that weren't there for you will appear. If you choose to sit and wait for something to be handed to you, you're going to be waiting quite some time and it will seem like The Universe is making you wait for the "right" opportunity. But the "right" opportunity could just be you making a new choice and seeing new things based on that as mentioned above.

But then I think, perhaps there is some universe that is a big, overall guide. A guide that shows us lessons we need to learn and gives us tests to see if we've learned them. I waffle on this idea a lot but after yesterday's incident, I lean towards it being true. For all the talk I've been doing lately about connecting, being of use, and making new choices all came together in one big moment that asked me, "are you really ready to walk the walk?"

Hi Alex, I read your email newsletter and I just want to suggest that maybe you weren't satisfied with where you are because its all about you-- you quiting something, you wanting to be an artist, you wanted to break into Hollywood, etc. And you have accomplished all of this things. I admire that. There is nothing wrong about doing the things you truly want to do, because this is your life and decide how you want to live it. But perhaps this feeling of being lost is due to the fact that there is no greater cause behind it. It's always been about getting to know what you are capable of doing. About you proving, about you achieving. You know better than anyone else what your capabilities are. Many people havent realized their dreams, nor their capabilities yet. You are creative, talented, caring. I don't know you at all, but I can feel it in the tone of your blogs and newsletter. Maybe a higher cause in enriching the lives of other people will make you even more fulfilled about yourself. :) Kim

Hi Kim,
I totally, completely agree with what you've said and these have been my thoughts. I've worked without purpose the last year or so and that's been very hard for me because I don't like things being about me. No better way to feel useless than to not affect anyone. So yes, your thoughts are my thoughts and i'm working on it. Giving back is a huge thing for me - I just forgot it for awhile.
Alex

I first started creating web sites not to show anything off, but to be of use. I wanted to share a new viewpoint or offer great information I'd found elsewhere. I started creating this site and others like it to help women find their calling and become brave enough to do it. I grew up volunteering; helping handicapped children ride horses, blind children swim, or run errands for elderly people who couldn't get out. Yes I love to make money and that's something I work on and enjoy, but the purpose that I have that's made me money has been being of use.

A couple of months ago, when I was in Austin Texas, I had a moment when everything changed. A moment when I was both at the lowest point and the highest. I liken it to when the tides begin to turn and there's that moment when opposing currents hit and it takes some finagling before they sync and the water splashes every which way. There's purpose but the change is chaotic just the same.

I was scheduled to be in Austin for four days but was rushing to the airport one day earlier. Nothing about my trip there was going as planned, nothing seemed right, nothing seemed like LA despite the fact I was here to get away from everything that was LA. There were no signs from the universe that I should be here or what I should do. There were no moments of clarity or grace in fact so many things were going wrong and I couldn't think clearly about anything.It was a mess. I was a mess.

Although I came to town looking to find a home so that I could move here and change my lifestyle, being here made me so afraid that I ended up not wanting to change one bit. Despite wanting to leave LA, the lifestyle, my career, start fresh, get simple, make new changes, the actual act of making it real and not just talking about it scared me. I wanted to be open like the people of the city yet I kept myself cocooned from them all; refusing to talk to anyone. Even cheerful checkout clerks. Austin showed me my possibilities and I became scared and made excuses to why I had to rush to the airport and leave a day early.

Half-way to the airport I had to pull over next to an empty field because my eyes were filled and driving was impossible. There I sat in the car, overwhelmed, confused, and scared for a good half-hour. But I realised I had to make a choice - a choice to go on being afraid, upset, confused and waiting for signs that weren't coming or I could turn the car around, go back to the hotel, and move forward however uncomfortable.

For anyone interested in creating a video on Tolerance for a contest by Current TV, take a look at the info below. Just note that I don't have anything to do with this; I've worked with Current in the past and that's about it. But I was sent this and thought it seemed like a really great challenge:

One of the most common questions I'm asked is how I work. People want to know my routine, what pen I use, what papers are best, what time I get up, what tea I like, how long my day is and so on. I tend to disappoint people when I say I have no schedule, no routine, no favourite pen, no sleep schedule (but I do go on for hours about tea). This is partly due to my personality (I don't like routine but I do love ceremony) and partly due to my career over the past year and a half (travel writing has me in different places every day as does working on film sets).

Often people who are beginning a creative career want to be able to cling to something that has been successful for others. It's why so many creative self-help books are sold. The Artists Way, for example, lays down the law for getting creative. It tells you what to do every day, it tells you how to think, to be. Other books tell you what markers to use or how to wear a boa properly. Better yet, other books tell you how to think each and every minute to guarantee you that success you so badly want.

The problem with these books and most self-help gurus, though, is that they don't tell you how to be you. They tell you how to become something that might work because it maybe did for them (I say maybe because I've met a lot of these successful self-help creative writer/artist people who have lives that aren't wonderful, authentic or even joyous. They just know how to market their work, they often don't know how to live it).

I find those kinds of books really disturbing and it quite literally breaks my heart when I see creative people trying to follow the footsteps of others. Why? Because being creative means you're creative. You do things how you do them. You think outside the box. You put random things together. You do things no one else has done. You play, you think, you dream, you work your ass off to make it real. But as a creative person you don't follow the foot steps of someone else.

This has been my view at least twice a month for the past 10 months. So many trips taken which, to a lot of people, sounds so glamorous. When people ask me what I do or why I'm in town, my answer of "I'm a travel writer" or "I'm working on a film" elicits oooh's and ahh's. I confess, this used to make me feel proud. Now, it just makes me feel tired.

I've been at home for two days and, in 26 more will head out on a three week journey as I drive across Canada. Four days after I get home I'll be on another trip but, for the first time in a long time, it won't be work related.

Several months ago I became conscious of what'd I was doing and realised it didn't suit me anymore. Yes, one can go on autopilot as an artist. It doesn't just happen to those in cubicles. There is no greener side of the fence. There's good and bad to every job and for me, the bad of my career over the last year began to outweigh the good. But as what happened when I was in a 9-5 job, I was scared to change paths.

After all, I had worked so hard for the success I had achieved. I was once again making a great financial living. I had titles, I impressed people, I had name recognition - who would leave that?

It is interesting to me that my dilemma with where I had become as an artist was the exact same one I suffered as an executive. The same fears came up, the same challenges came up, and the same doubt came up, too. You'd think it'd be easy for me just to be brave and say no to what wasn't working and a huge yes to a new direction but it wasn't. Again I stayed working for months in an area I didn't love anymore simply because I didn't know what to do next. (I should note that this time around I wasn't as miserable as when I did work that was 100% not me. But still, when it's not you, it's not you).