So as I put my hair in pigtails and slipped the evening gown off for an evening slip, I took great comfort in the fact that I now understood what it is about work/creativity/my life that has had me so bothered for so long. It was simply that too much effort had been placed on the outcome and not on the process. The joy of creation, of being a part of something, of working, of fucking up along the way had taken a back seat to what people would think of it, how it would look, what party it'd get me into, what other job I would get, how it would turn into a story, if it'd pay well, what it'd do for my resume and on and on. The joy was sucked out because the focus was on others reactions instead of my enjoyment of it all.

Thinking back I notice the change when I began to write for a living. I began in all earnestness; writing because it was something I loved to do and felt happy at the end of each day doing it. I at first received a lot of criticism for my decision from friends and family who told me that it was a bad move because the outcome wouldn't be successful. They said I couldn't make money, I couldn't get recognition, I wouldn't get a good home, I was ruining my career, I'd lose friends and become something terrible. I didn't listen to them because the outcome didn't matter; I had to enjoy my life and my days and working in corporate america didn't allow me that.

So after a few months of working on my own and enjoying my days other people began to become interested in my work; readers, editors, and press. This is when the slippery slope began. These people didn't really care about the process. They wanted to know who I was writing for, how much I was making and who I knew. These things seemed more impressive to talk about than how I had worked for 16hours a day, every day, and drank far too much tea. I started to feel pressure to talk about the outcome which changed my work. All of a sudden I thought I should only write for magazine X because that was prestigious and to write for magazine B would leave me looking like a big fat nothing. I looked at paychecks to measure how successful I was being and who my friends were becoming. This lead me to feel so frustrated with my work and, after a couple of years, abandoning it. The pressure to perform for others had become too much.

When I went back to being creative, I stopped talking about the outcome. I no longer said who my clients were, where I was being published, what gallery was showing my work. This allowed me complete freedom again to just write, photograph and do anything else I enjoyed. I felt personally successful because all that mattered was how good i felt at the end of the day and not how it looked to anyone else. It didn't matter who said what and how much I made although people began to talk more and more money and opportunity came to me during this time.

I was again went back to just being about the process but it's like with all life's lessons; once you think you know something you're given one last test to prove it. And Hollywood came knocking on my door to see if I really understand what made me happy and how I worked.

In the fall of 2004, The Insider Television show was just starting and the Media Relations department called me. They'd heard about me, my work and my skills and wanted me to come and work for them. I flew to Los Angeles and met with the team and after a little chit chat about the job, the director launched into a big speal about the benefits of the job. Benefits such as all the celebrities I'd know, all the opportunities that'd come my way, the deals on dresses and the parties I could go to. I'd be in the center of it all and that, I was told, was where I should want to be. Besides, Pat (the host) was just the best and working with him would make me look great (I know chuckle at this after his drug induced sex phone calls came out and the show is one big tacky gossip machine). I ended up saying no to the job because the process, to me, didn't sound enjoyable and the outcome didn't sound worth it. But at this time I met some others in Hollywood and decided since working on films in Vancouver in Seattle that'd perhaps it was a good time to move here since I do so love to work on set.

Hollywood works on who you know, what you've done, where you're seen, how great your skin is, and how much smoke you can blow up someone's ass. For the most part, I somehow was able to work around this because I knew enough of the right people from the start and did really great work on sets to keep myself busy. But when I'd attend events there were always conversations where you'd have to say who you are and what you do and then the awkward part of hearing false stories {I'm working on this script, I have a show in development, I'm in talks with Insert Name here, I'm in a good place}. Very seldom did people speak of their days on the set, how they created something or how they worked, where they spent time off, what they read. No one spoke of the process but only of the outcome and the future. You couldn't really trust people you met because you knew they didn't care what really went on as long as the outcome made you look good. This was really hard to deal with and I confess that it became harder and harder to stand up against.

When I took a seasonal job at my favourite store, one of my friends came in one night when I was working so I could help her pick out some outfits. We're both low-key girls who tend not to get involved in the hoopla and just like pretty things. And despite being just a regular girl, she also happens to be an A-List celebrity. And when she came into the store and hugged me as we said a hullo, who I was as a person changed in the eyes of my co-workers simply because of my friend. The girls I worked with no longer treated me the same, they no longer spoke about regular things, about creating and art and playing and laughing and happiness and work. All of a sudden I had become some thing. And when my friend told them how we met (on set) and was gushing about me in that really nice friend way, it backfired on me. The long hours I put on set, the hard work, the creativity, the passion that my friend talked about didn't matter to my co-workers. Now it was all about outcome and I was supposedly some rich, cool, celebrity knowing thing whose life was easy and a party and I had anything and everything and why was I working at this part-time gig that wasn't cool or glamourous. From then on they focused so much on who I knew and names I could drop (which I wouldn't) that never again could we just hang out and be. They just wanted me to talk about the parties, the people, the awards, the fancy and thought me strange or pretentious when I wouldn't. They stopped thinking I was a hard worker and enjoyed coming to work because obviously if you're in HOllywood it's just about the parties, glamour and celebrity - right?

That, for me, is where the conflict was. I was all about the enjoyment of the process and most people were about the outcome. And I had started to buy into it not really by choice, but unconsciously because I couldn't fight everyone. I started to think that just writing wasn't enough, building a site because I liked it wasn't good if it didn't make money or get people talking. That there was no use to reading a book for the hell of it unless it was a manual that'd get me somewhere. That I couldn't' work on movie A because the right people weren't in it so I'd work on movie B because that would surely get me to the next level, even if it would be way more stressful and the job not so easily enjoyed. And I stopped talking about and doing what I loved to do because no one cared - they just cared about how much I made, what the title was, if I won awards, where I was published, who I knew, if it was glamourous, if it made them feel like I could get them somewhere.

The enjoying of the process, the connecting to my work, my home and my life, took a backseat. And this is where it all went wrong.

I leave for Austin on Saturday to attend SXSW because a site I created is a finalist for "best blog." My first reaction to the nomination was really emotional because I had worked so hard at it with really no fan fare about it, no recognition, no comments from the outside world or hoopla. It was a really great project that I just sat down and created one day for fun, because I enjoyed building the site and the community and I was being recognised for that. It turned slightly ugly when people I hadn't told found out and the nomination became all about winning and what this would do for me and my career etc. That the nomination became more about giving me credibility and cool points even though I had been nominated once before in 2003. My focus for the trip became all about this award show and winning and how it would look and what it would mean. IT became less about talking about the work that went into building it, the fun I had whilst doing it, less about repeating the process on another project just for fun because now I should try to do it again only for a nomination and money. It became less about the amazing girls who so generously give their time to write for it and less about it being useful to people who want to travel or discover their own city and more importantly, less about enjoying the process of simply continuing to write for it. And I realised that those thoughts have made me miserable, unhappy and always feeling like I haven't done enough. The outcome, when left up to other people to decide what it means, always leaves me feeling less than. Always.

It was this that helped me last night realise that for me, life is really about the process, the connection, the work, the effort, the enjoyment. That my personal happiness and success have come from when I do just what I enjoy and not because of how I think it'll turn out. When I take control of the process and release control of the outcome.

This seems hard at first to do when so much emphasis in America is on outcome. So many of us, before doing something, ask "What will our boss/mother/father/husband/friend/blog readers/ think if I do this? How will it look? How will it turn out? Who will buy it? How will I blog about it? Where will it get me? What will it do for my career? How will this make me famous? How can I avoid looking like a twit?" These questions, these fears, lesson the experience of the process, they take away from the enjoyment of just doing. They keep us from living life authentically and make us live instead for who we think others think we should be and the celebrity, fame, and money that we think is some kind of universal goal.

I know from experience that when I work on things I adore and concentrate simply on the process and the enjoyment from that (and enjoyment doesn't mean things are only easy, nice, pretty, and successful) that I always tend to make money and have personal success. It's when I start to think of others and the outcome that fear kicks in and I withdraw more and always, always think I have less than I should. I feel like those starlets just going to the party just to be seen but never getting to go to the Oscars to celebrate the real work. There's no point trying to get some kind of outcome that I think should happen because when I get that outcome, it doesn't ever feel right. I don't feel proud, I feel so off. The money doesn't make it feel better. Money from enjoying the process does because then I have both experiences and the ability to live well and simply. And that's better than saying I know Film Star Ted.

Wow, a lot of things came out when all I wanted to say really was that I am going back to the process. Before doing something I'll ask myself if I will enjoy the process instead of the results and this, from experience, helps me to relax, enjoy life, see the moments, feel satisfied and full because one can only control what they do and not how others will react. Spending your life worrying about how others reacts will only leave you empty. You might get rich, you might get fame but it'll be empty. The trick is to live for yourself, enjoy the day, be paid for what you love to do, live well without explanation and how it'll make you look to Sophie next door.

So instead of hitting the scene last night I sat down to work instead. I was supposed to just give a consultation to a client about why their site wasn't working but instead just began to play. I designed and created a site but was so relaxed and happy the entire time that I hadn't noticed that several hours had passed. Because I didn't have to create this site, and because I didn't care about the outcome because I just so enjoyed building it, that when I sent it off to the client I just felt good - not worried, not stressed, not enough. And this morning when I received an email from him saying it was exactly what he wanted and he would meet my fee for it, it was just simply icing on the cake.

Update:

It's a few days later and last night I was at a bookstore. I picked up a booked and asked the question, "What is the message for me right now?" and then randomly opened the book to this page:

It's from the book The Four Agreements by Don Muguel and there's a great article that includes this bit. My other favourite lines from the article:

March 6, 2006 | Link to this | Filed in Hollywood